i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dignity is for republicans.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
