Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
