So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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