honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She announced her abortion via fbk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
