I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
