Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She's the barista slut.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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