I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
