I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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