you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize