YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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