There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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