That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
we should paint friendship bongs
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