Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
