apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
