we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Someone came in the potted fern
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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