I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
