i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
