His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i think im in europe. pls send help
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
