I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
