i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
