Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
