The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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