Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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