happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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