I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
