The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
