dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
