I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Someone signed my nipple.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
