is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
