I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
