At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I fill condoms, not promises.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
