My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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