The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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