U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
