I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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