I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
