Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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