My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
