turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
