Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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