Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
