I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
