I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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