I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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