gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
