The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
