Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
