I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
FUCK WHALES
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
