you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
