If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
