dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
barbara walters just said penis...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
