My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize