I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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