i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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