your parents love me but you hate me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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