I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
