Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
