I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
