DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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