I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
