I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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