the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Rumble strips road head = magical
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
