Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
