I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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