If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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